The Climb

From that day forward my stay was a bit of a blur, all the days seemed to blend together. I attended group therapy when I could, rested when I needed to, medications were adjusted while neurotransmitters and hormones continued to fluctuate. I still struggled but not as intensely as the days prior.

That Sunday was John's first Father's Day. Some of it was spent with me at the hospital, not with our newly formed family of three. "Firsts" of any sort should be celebrated but this was one of deep shame and humiliation. Holidays are supposed to be spent with family. It breaks my heart that we both have to live with this memory.  That evening we sat outside on the bench in the green space provided. It was surrounded by a chain link fence topped with razor wire. I felt more like a prisoner than a new mom.

By the end of my stay I was sleeping comfortable through the night. The more rest I got, the better I felt. For me, one of the best things that I received while at Pine Rest was the aggressive pharmaceutical intervention. Every day, my mood and progress were assessed and changes were made accordingly. I was finally linking together good moments together. The good emotions were starting to outweigh the negative emotions. My fear of tortuous nights slowing dissipated. 

On June 23rd, after an eight day stay, it was my turn to go home. I was so excited to see Riley but nervous about being engrossed in the stresses of life once again. After all, I had been able to totally focus on myself during my stay at Pine Rest. Would I be able to handle anything more? I knew it was going to take a tremendous amount of effort on my part to continue down the path of recovery. 

I remember the ride home so vividly it could have happened yesterday. Ironically, a song came on the radio that I could relate to. I realized just how far I'd come and how far I still had to climb. 

Unfortunately, my story doesn't end here...

Thanks again to those of you who have followed my story and have reached out this week. I greatly appreciate your support. This process makes me extremely vulnerable but this is not about me. If I can touch one life, one family, one mom then I have done my job. Please stay tuned in July to see the rest of the story that inspired The Village Doula GR.